I will get a car relatively soon (within the next 3 weeks, is what the Lady said who is practically giving me her Neon. THANKYOU,YOU’RETHEBEST!!) #fingerscrossed
Then, I will get some sort of job (perhaps working in the bakery my cousin works at. Even if it’s only for the holiday season, I think she’ll love me and how well I work with guests and want me all the time #lololll #disney #igotthemagicinme) I need something to help pass the time anyway since I’ve decided not to do any shows until next semester.
I’m going to be as human as possible. I watched videos today about what makes a good actor/singer/performer and professionals say, you have to be human and feel things, and feel for other people, and experience everything you can.
I’m going to get better and sing as well as I have and I know I can. I feel it.
And I WILL get into some school, where I will be moving into NEXT FALL.
I’m going to Graduate from CCM and be grateful for all I’ve learned and all the professors who have literally kept me motivated to get through the classes I hate.
I’m going to learn as much as I can about dance by the end of the next semester.
I’m going to be happy doing what I love and not let anybody else get in the way of my dreams.
I've been thinking about my roles and status(i?) in life lately.
In Sociology we’ve begun talking about our role(s) and status(i?)(es?)(lolidc) and mine have generally always been the same. I’ve been a daughter, sister, niece, cousin, granddaughter, student, and a best friend generally all my life. For these, I’ve been understanding, a wonderful listener, almost everybody’s “rock”, and the person people can count on to NOT be falling apart. ever. I’ve been independent mostly all my life, if not raised to be, so I don’t need anybody to make me happy. I was raised to do and be what makes me happy and to treat others the way I’d want to be treated.
I mean. realistically, how many of my friends have treated me the way I treat them? And listened to me cry all night about some douche bag “i’m in love with”? I mean, I think it’s my turn to let myself feel something other than the need to be strong for other people.
I’m not complaining, I’m not regretting the way I’ve always put others first before myself because that’s generally a good quality to have, but I mean… I feel so conflicted right now. Like, I’m almost confused as to what I’ve been living for- other peoples’ happiness? I don’t want to be in charge of keeping other people happy. Like, I want people to want ME to be happy, not just assume I already am and that I don’t need some love every now and then.
I guess I’ll be going through some “re-socialization” of a sort, trying to figure out what I’m living for and who I want to be.
I just feel like I’m constantly subconsciously making choices to make other people happy and at the end of the day, I just feel lost.